It has been months and my emotions are still of an international scale.
They trapeze within an instant and I go from humming to myself, elated at a new recipe and the calm of the solitude to resenting cooking for one, missing the way he always got out of the shower first to fetch my towel, salt down my chin after a peaceful walk in weather too much like when we met.
It’s all mad.
I found our apartment insurance form, with both our names on it. It stung. Then the receipt for our dance lessons.
For a time, it had all been so right. It will never make sense to me why he didn’t fight for us, why he let go, why he changed his mind.
Then again: why had I become so unhappy first? Why did I morph into a jealous, somewhat controlling fiend with so many needs and no enough attention? Was he too young to support me when I needed it? A simple guide? I did step outside myself and relinquish the seal skin but he stood by and did nothing.
And true love doesn’t surrender. It evolves.
I must toss it up to a greater plan in place. And so I do.
But I am still breathless at all the pain sometimes. And part of me knows this ache will live on long after I forget his iris texture.
I feel myself freeze when I think of the things he said, what he did, how he behaved at the end, so unmanly, so cruel.
And I lose sight, disturbed that happened to me, furious I let myself love someone so damaged and selfish and unreliable. I falter. I spend the rest of the day in bed crying.
Alas, I have to admit I had no control over it. That I am a boss and he is not. While I am not blameless, I am not a victim and I have survived a tornado. This windswept hair will be someone else’s addition, not completion or salvation.
And alas, while that first year he made me so bliss-brimming contagious in my glee, it was a passing moment. It was never crafted to last forever. We were too different. I cut from persian rugs, he from stained sheets. Not to put myself above him, but simply because we look at life differently. And I was not brought forth from my lines to bolster up a mere boy and nourish him and try to tug at him to please me for the rest of my life.
There has to be a reason for this misstep, for this searing tear through my red ribbon.
Let me try to find it tonight.
Things I know from his leaving:
• There is a destiny.
• Love is unpredictable and vast and fleeting and fast.
• Love can happen organically without me orchestrating anything from dates to conversations to seductions.
• Trust should not be played with.
• Test him after that first failure to see if he returns to put up a fight.
• Friends are crucial. Hobbies are crucial. Time together in balance is also crucial.
• Love is not enough.
• He must love you more.
• Do not pay for his clothes, boots, dental bills.
• Try not to take heart in the fact he will never be loved again the way you loved him; that is beneath you.
• Your family will save you.
• You must eat through this.
• He fed his ego. You rarely do. There are bigger things.
• Know next time to dispose of any lover who falls asleep in the middle of sex with you; it’s inexcusable no matter how much alcohol. You are a carnival.
• You know how to bend now, how to argue, how to apologize, how to make up, how to ease into certain routines, share your life and your heart fully. That is a beautiful thing. You know how to trust. You know how much the risk is worth. You can now differentiate between the worthy and the passersby.
• How to cry. How to be real.
• The difference between having drinks together and drinking together.
• How to be grateful for having a childhood. And parents.
• How to return to who you are, who you were meant to be after a long departure.
• You loved. Wholly and purely with everything you had. Not everyone can do that. You will love again and deeper as it will be with a worthy. This is all that matters. How much you love.
• You forgave him the moment he slipped. You just have’t realized it yet. It is also illustrative of the goddess you carry in your walk.
• He told you and you know, you were the best thing that ever happened to him and your time together was the happiest he had ever been. And to give that to someone with such a long, hungry shadow, that is something.